me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
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sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
[months ago]
Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.
Genie: And now we wait.
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
Does your wife know you’re single?
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
“At large”
At what?
“At venti?”
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight
me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses
wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time
[later]
hannah’s husband: hey
me: that’s it i’m out
[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.
Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.
My one weakness is indecision.
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?