On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.
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When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.
Interviewer: Take a minute to th-
Me: Arendelle.
I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.
My evil clone:[pointing to me] Shoot HIM, he’s the clone
Friend:[aims at the clone] The REAL Alex would never pass up an opportunity to die
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
i will avenge u mr van gogh
“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.
[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest
Nobody:
Me: An investigator
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.