Life of an Editor:
I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”
It was “sheepishly,” folks.
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Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
Mornin
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
date: I like to try new foods
me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.
Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
[church fundraiser]
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?
Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?
Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]
6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!
Pigeon open mic night.
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.
One killed the padawans.
The other was abandoned in the desert
I’m dreading that class reunion.
ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.