@AmishSuperModel

Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?

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@StinkyGr33n

Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”

Me: *Goes home*

@

ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing

HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard

ME: hannahannahannahannaha

@capnwatsisname

me: I brought a note from my doctor

dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle

@CarpentersCrack

Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.

@slimmy_shady

Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.

@ModeratelyMused

Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”

Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am

Step 3: Return to bed

@_NTFG_

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@bourgeoisalien

First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice

@slaughthie

I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.