Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
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Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma
CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid
There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent
One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance
Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.
Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?
me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!
JW: excuse me?
me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!
Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.
god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean
angel: sounds fearsome
god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave
Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi: