My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
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These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.
“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”
Simba.. who told you about science
I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.
Me: I just took my contacts out.
Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.
Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.
Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…