What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
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Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
me 2 months after i graduated
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time
I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.
ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.
This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
Legend of Tarzan 2:
Tarzan meets other primates.
He befriends them all.
He teaches them to fight.
It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.