We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
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Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*
My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died
me: yeah ok
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
[bed]
M: “I’m freezing.”
H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*
[1 min later]
M: “I’m hot, get off me.”
I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake