We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.
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me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
Bro what is this
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Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?
Me: It’s at 7.
H: Oh, I was close.
Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.
(10 minutes later)
My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!
I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.
so no one told you life was gonna be this way
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GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 yearsAngel: horses?
God: 20Angel: cats?
God: 15Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTYAngel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about fliesAngel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol
when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.
Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings
Me: So what do you wanna get your friend for his bday?
9: I asked him what he likes & he said tacos.
Me: ok..
9: But I said, “Not food. What else do you like?” And he said his grandma
Me: ok so
9: And I said not grandmas either! Let’s just get him a football or something
I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.