me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
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GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”
An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
who did the taste test?
Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.
Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.
(Don’t need me)
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.