GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.
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It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?
God: just turn around
Almost every animal: ok
Owl: I absolutely will not
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
Cop: Can you explain how you got here?
Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born
Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.