It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.
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I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
For some people, the turkey’s the most important part of the holidays. For others? It’s the pumpkin pie. But me? I’ve always cared more about the people that I spend the holidays with- which is why I’ve gathered you all here today to help me summon grandpa from the great beyond.
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
*Sweeping the floor
Lower back: “Time to go out!”
Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”
Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”
*cries hunchbackedly
Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.
Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”– Vader & therapist
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.