Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”
– Vader & therapist
You Might Also Like
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too