@aka_fatman

“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”

– Vader & therapist

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@BobGolen

Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.

@YoungNobler

It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.

@

[going to the moon]

Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!

Me: oh no

Co-astronaut: what

Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket

@whereami18

My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.

@outsmartedmommy

What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.

@RandiLawson

My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi

@sixfootcandy

My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.

@MissHavisham

Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?

@sarcasticmommy4

Kids: Yay! Summer break!

Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!

*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*