@aka_fatman

“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”

– Vader & therapist

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@Gupton68

Judge: How do you plead?

Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—

J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney

M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!

@OhNoSheTwitnt

“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff

@SortaBad

by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you

@fluffysuse

Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.

@ArfMeasures

[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes

@SteveSuckington

Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.

@Ygrene

[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*

Me: oh shit

Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*

[From Basement]: Oh shit

@jctwritesstuff

The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am

@CornOnTheGoblin

[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles

@JoBearParker

DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too