Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”
– Vader & therapist
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It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*