*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!
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Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
Hamburger Hinderer.
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.
coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call