I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.
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On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
JUVENAL: Who watches the Watchmen?
ME: I did. It was good.
JUVENAL: No, you’re missing the point.
ME: Well I know there was a lot of subtext, but I think I understood it.
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely
Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.
2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”
Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*
ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.