JUVENAL: Who watches the Watchmen?
ME: I did. It was good.
JUVENAL: No, you’re missing the point.
ME: Well I know there was a lot of subtext, but I think I understood it.
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wtf is an acronym
Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”
I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it
I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.
Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor’s degree and a history of head injuries.
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”
Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs
eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left
As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?
*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*
H- Are you waving at the ground?
Me-Yes to both