I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it
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Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
[School Bus Driver Interview]
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?
GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children
The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.
– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?
i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
men are simple creatures
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
Her: You sound hoarse. What’s wrong?
*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*
Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
Me: You’re going to daycare today
3: Okay
Me: We’re almost at daycare
3: Okay
Me: We’re at daycare
3: *bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare
three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie:
me:
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work