I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
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[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.
When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.
reduce, reuse, recycle
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!
There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever
ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age
[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*
*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing