Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
You Might Also Like
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.
I love when the Uber driver is overly prepared with water bottles, chargers, asks about temperature and music preferences, etc., then drives how a deer walks after being born
the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?
me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world
my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*
Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.
[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.