When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
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Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice
Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
This one’s “Alex”.
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
Police: Pull over and stop!
Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?
Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!
Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!