When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
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Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.
Eat…
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
Me: I can’t make it in today.
Boss: How sick are you?
M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.
B: Jesus, you ARE sick.
My dog and I have the same schedule:
6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?
A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
Interviewer: What makes you unique?
Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.
I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.
I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*
{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.