When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
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* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.
*looks at you in batman voice*
My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?
When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.
Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean
[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
#MeanwhileInCanada
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too