Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
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“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol
Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.
Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old
I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
You look like you would fail a DNA test
I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”
The absolute effort that went into this omg