[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
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TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.
Adultry does not sound fun at all
I feel it
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT
I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
[aquarium]
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
um, fish
Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
[dinner negotiations]
Wife: where do you want to go to eat?
Me: ugh
Wife:
Me: you pick
Wife: I’m craving kale
Me: I’ll pick
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”
Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.
I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?