[dinner negotiations]
Wife: where do you want to go to eat?
Me: ugh
Wife:
Me: you pick
Wife: I’m craving kale
Me: I’ll pick
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Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
he’s sick of your bullshit today
[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*
Baker: “When is your wedding?”
Me: *with mouthful of cake*
“What wedding?”
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.
Or, as I call it, tweeting.
ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!
ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.
I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
Once again not all heroes wear capes
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”