Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
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[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees
Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
“you changed” bro i was 15
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
i like to walk around my neighborhood leaving helpful notes in ppls mailboxes, such as, “doric columns don’t belong on a mid-century modern. what is u doing?” or “ur home has a mix of window styles that makes me wonder about the aesthetic you were going for. what is u doing?” or
Me: I’m copying & pasting some text & clicking “keep formatting.” no need to change the case
Word: sweet, I’ll change the font
Me: no no keep the font
Word: ok I’ll just change the size
Me: please keep the size the same
Word: u want a different colour u cheeky lil shit lol
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.
Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now
Being 6 is rough man!
[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Angel: dude
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh
HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?