*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
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*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…
Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best
Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me
Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
PLEASE READ
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.