*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
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One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it
took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me
Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?
W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?
Me: *laughing* Yep
W: OMG noooo
My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
Me: i’m so hungover.
Wife: what do you need?
Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.
Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*
My dryer is celebrating lint.
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
find these 10 emoji for no good reason
[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course
Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?
Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?
I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
16: They asked me for my email.
12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!
16: Ewww, I know!
*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me