“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
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Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heartMy date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?
Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP
Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber
ME: i’m not sure how to take that
BANK TELLER: exactly
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination
“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
dr frankenstein: it’s alive!
igor: great! what should we name him
dr frankenstein: uh we won’t
igor: idk might lead to some confusion
dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.
Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please