Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
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*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
When a guy looks at me, when he’s with a girl, half of me thinks douchebag! Other half hears don’t cha by pussycat dolls playing in my head.
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
Salad is the decaf of food.
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass
[later at thanksgiving dinner]
aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?
me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!
wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice