Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
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The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.
Children of the corn 🌽
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
There are only 2 Canadian things I don’t like:
1) Celine Dion
2) Canadian geeseGuess which one is chasing me everytime I go outside.
[ autumn, 1579 ]
pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!
spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!
susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth
Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
Rapunzel: … Why tho
Witch: I wanna climb the tower
Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here
Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you
Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
Her: Could you dim the lights?
Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.
Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?