Angel: So the sins are deadly.
God: Yep!
Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?
God: Well, no.
Angel: So why call them deadly?
God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?
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Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder
Hobbes: getting a second opinion?
Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
It’s Dublin.
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.
FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian
*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
At Walmart during the holidays like..
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
True freaking story!
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?