I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
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I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.
Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?
11: Other than that.
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
me at a restaurant
waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you
If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.