“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.
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Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…
It’s called Wordle”
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go
I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.
So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.
On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..
Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?
Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD
Signed: nOt The cAt
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.