When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
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I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.
CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
“What’s wrong with our country?”
OBAMA!
“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”
OBAMA!
I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.
Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
Emotional Fruit:
The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You
OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!
Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea
I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”
WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER
baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”