When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
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Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.
My teenage children choosing violence
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]
me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time
shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?
me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe
my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.