I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
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Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.
Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.
[armed robbery]
gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops
me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards
robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids
Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁
This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.
If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.
My son has a hard time waking up in the morning so he downloaded an obnoxious sounding alarm on his phone to ensure he wouldn’t oversleep.
So far the only people awake from it this morning are me, my husband & our neighbors.