going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
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[debate]
ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not
Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
My workout goals are simple: I’d just like to be able to get up off the floor without looking like a turtle trying to flip itself back over.
Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me
Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid
If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
How to properly lift a body
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me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.