I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
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MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one
Then: I will never lie to my children
Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken
*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road
Decoding phrases used by employers when describing what they want:
“Believes in the company’s mission” = “willing to take less money.”
“Has great work ethic” = “willing to work longer hours.”
“Has a passion for this work” = “willing to take less money while working longer hours.”
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
007: the name’s bond…james bond
me: nice to meet you bond james bond
007: just james bond
me: bond just james bond
007: no my full name is just james bond
me: nice to meet you just james bond
007: you know i can legally kill you
me: no, never met him
007: *draws weapon*
(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.