[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
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kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*
2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.
*start packing up my battery collection*
The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.
I miss the days where someone would tell us shit like “Mick Jagger is Kesha’s dad” and we’d all just believe it for months because it didn’t matter if it was true or not
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
*explosion walks away from me in slow motion
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.
I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
Phone
Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.
Person: But if you could just—
Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car