Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
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Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
hmmmmmm
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
Satan:
Me:
My wife: So… how are you?
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
this country is so goddamn polarized
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
Weighing up my bread heating options
Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.
*sees a talking Batman cup*
Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die
I’m giving up for Lent.
I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
Milking stools only have three legs, because the cow has the udder.
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”