Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
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*composes email*
*proofreads*
*hovers mouse over send button*
*proofreads again*
*is about to send*
*proofreads a third time*
*gets glass of water*
*proofreads once more*
*finally sends email*
*re-reads email just for good measure*
OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
Husband: where you off to?
Me: bathroom
Husband: you have to pee again?
Me: no, I gotta cough
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”
Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?
Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”
The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
[cocktail party]
BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?
ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it’s coming out whether you’re there to catch it or not
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.
Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?
My couch:
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party
Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.