Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
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A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
can’t catch a break
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
For the baby who has everything
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]
ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer
Nose
Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
You know…for fall…
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.