[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
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I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
me: ance
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?
Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road
[heaven]
IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do
ME: Me too
I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?
M: I didn’t stop poking a bear
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks
Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.
[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.
I only treason on days ending in y
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me