priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
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Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
I feel it
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!
Me: *uninstalls Facebook
Facebook: *reappears on my phone in the morning
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, drinks coffee
Facebook: *reappears on my phone
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, takes a shower
Facebook:…
Me: *wipes the steam off of the mirror
Facebook: *standing behind me
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Cats
Doctor: Anything else?
Me: Grease
Doctor: is that everything?
Me: Most musicals to be honest.
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this