priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
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My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
Women are like campfires.
Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.
And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other
I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear
I’m confused about plants
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
[first day working at the zoo]
Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-
Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*
DC: Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn