Why is this me 😫
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It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.
executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?
Great seizure this morning! We found 10 kg of c*****e in a statue. The 9kg of c*****e was weighed and bagged and, I can tell you, 7kg of c*****e took a fair few bags. We’ll hand the 4kg to the police after analysing the 2kg first. Well done Customs on finding the 300 grams!
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”
6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”
*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*
8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”
The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.
I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.
Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.
that’s really how it is
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]
“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee
the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.