@AmishPornStar1

Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…

I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”

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@Mr57percent

Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol

@JohnLyonTweets

“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”

@occupied_stall

‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me

‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me

@UNDEADTRESOR

Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.

@Super_Cynthia

In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.

@pixelatedboat

Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute

@nursemella

*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*

@thevickster_sa

~At a snowboarding store.

Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.

Me: i know

Him:…

Me: Wait, what, oh the board…

@JediGigi

My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.

@jonnysun

MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea