Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
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dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
Huge, if true.
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy
Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
one time i went to a guy’s house and he made me watch The Crow on DVD and then when it ended he restarted it from the beginning and i had to pretend my flatmate had been arrested so i could leave
Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:
– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
I’d hang this in my house.
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?
My wife shook me awake at 7am on a Sunday “because it’s not raining, and we have a lot to do today”
Holy shit, I married my father
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”