Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
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Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.
HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*
Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]
Me: wait—
Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]
Me: wtf
Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti