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[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spiritseeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
Kid: Trick or treat?
Me: How old are you?
Kid:
His dad: 4 years old
Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
Roses are red, you always mattered,
FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight
ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?
FRIEND: um, like…to dinner
ME: cool, cool
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught
<gets on elevator >
Pushes all the buttons
Hugs everyone
Prays out loud that we’re not going to die
Gets off at the 2nd floor
Laughs
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.