Kid: Trick or treat?
Me: How old are you?
Kid:
His dad: 4 years old
Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall
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Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
Coffee is ready.
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
JOURNEY:
🎶Strangers, waiting,🎶
🎶Up and down the boulevard🎶
🎶Their shadows searching in the night!🎶ME: Now, wait just a goshdarn minute. How in the heck can you have shadows at night??
JOURNEY:
🎶Streetlights,🎶
🎶people🎶ME: Ah. Carry on.
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.