Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
You Might Also Like
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.
I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
[god creating worms]
WORM: Alright I’m a snake!
GOD: Well, no you—
WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?
GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…