Harry: so a time turner turns back time
Dumbledore: yes
Harry: to, say, stop two murders
Dumbledore:
Harry: hello
Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol
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accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
When you have mixed feelings about bathtime
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
If you love someone, let them sleep.
I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”
When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”
-Jesus