I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.
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‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’
*in Hell
Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
I had a weird smell once…
A rodent crawled up under my car and got into the heat/air unit and died there.
I was trying to use my AC and blowing dead animal air at myself.
You know how long it takes to get rid of hot dead rotting rat smell?
3 months. Three
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
me: *clamping can of beans into electric can opener* now spill it!
can of beans: never!
(whirring noises)
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
ME: I’ve been depressed lately
DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability
ME: what
DOCTOR: what
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?
Me: Um…
PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?
Me: My —
PS: Tummy tuck?
Me: (looking down)
PS: Breast augmentation?
Me: What’s wrong with my —
PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?
Me: (bursts into tears)
Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t
I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.