I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.

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My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.


The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.

I need bail money.


If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.


I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.


if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.


The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.


Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”


my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.