I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.
*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken
What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!
I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s
ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
