@PyJamieParty My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.
@HenpeckedHal I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.
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@PyJamieParty 
@PrettyInCamo11 The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
@aveuaskew If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
@Robert_Beau I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
@samalmightysam Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
@954LeenO if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
@_Fariis The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
@TheToddWilliams “I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”
@thepatrickwalsh Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
@Boobalander1970 my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.