I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.
Me: It’s time to take a bath.
6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!
Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.
6: For my whole life?
Me: Yes
6: What!? Uggggghhhhh
I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.
Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there
it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
Cool shirt 🙂
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.
Thanks for following.
Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much
Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-
Me: oh I would die for myself too
[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here
