I had a weird smell once…
A rodent crawled up under my car and got into the heat/air unit and died there.
I was trying to use my AC and blowing dead animal air at myself.
You know how long it takes to get rid of hot dead rotting rat smell?
3 months. Three
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my lawyer: so, you wish to be cryogenically frozen & you are not to be unthawed until somebody kills that big spider in your bathroom?
me, eating a corn dog: that’s correct, your honor.
[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot
Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
i shaved my chupacabra for this?
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
waiter: want to hear our lunch specials?
me: sure
waiter: we have a caesar salad, clam chowder, or club sandwich
me: those things are on the normal menu
waiter: yes but right now you can get them $18
me: they’re usually $12
waiter: today they’re special
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?