waiter: want to hear our lunch specials?
me: sure
waiter: we have a caesar salad, clam chowder, or club sandwich
me: those things are on the normal menu
waiter: yes but right now you can get them $18
me: they’re usually $12
waiter: today they’re special
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WIFE: I’m leaving you
ME: oh no what happened?
WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore
ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this
WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-
ME: it must not have saved!
WIFE:
ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”
GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?
Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies
Doctor 1: YES!! done
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?
ROBHURT: yeh
Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.
My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.
teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*
me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.
I don’t call myself pesky for nothing
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.